So I realize I have not done anyone ANY favors by using my laptop as a coaster. (don't let me husband hear that!) Let's play catch up… I have a fabulously brilliant 19 mos old daughter, and am 5 mos pregnant with daughter #2. I realize that typically I have a quirky and snarky side to me posts, but today- it will be more factual, as I just "feel" the need to post this.
The fact of the matter is everyone has a "birth plan". You may openly share it, or just keep it in your head, but you have one. If you think you don't…then think about it. I guarantee you have ideas and opinions…thats part of your birth plan.
Before I gave birth, I knew a few things. I wanted an epidural, and I didn't want a c-section. As my pregnancy ended, a few more were added. I was going to wait as long as possible for the epidural, I wanted the kid out as she was measuring big, and only wanted my husband in the room. Wellllll….let me tell you, once you have people in your room, when doctors are examining your hoo hoo, your sense of privacy goes out the window! We plan, God laughs, right?!?! My husband, mom and mother-in-law were all in the room (i said they could stay! who cares? right??!?) and behind the curtain was my best friend, and my husbands best friend.(who was ATTEMPTING to be funny while I was pushing--it didn't end well! lol) AFter 21 hours of labor.. 3 of pushing, my delivery ended with a big fat c-section. Not a nice pretty one with a bow…one where the anesthesiologist had to ask me 3 times if i could "feel this". One where I could see three of everyone and was literally falling asleep in the middle of my sentences. So much so, my husband told me to just take a nap. Once he was in there I was slightly more coherent. I remember the oxygen itching my nose and repeatedly having to ask a nurse or the anesthesiologist to scratch my nose. I remember hearing the Dr say there was NO way I would have been able to physically have her vaginally (to which I thought, we couldn't have figured this out 3 hours ago?!?). I remember asking her stats and hearing her cry ( She was ALmost 9 1/2 lbs and had almost a 14 1/2 in head). Then my husband walked her over to me where I got to glance at her. I was too exhausted to cry, or feel much of anything really. Once I was closed and transferred back to my bed, they laid her on my chest and wheeled me back to my room. It seemed like an ETERNITY between having her, and holding her. I felt like I had been cheated. Like I had failed at birthing my daughter. Every once in awhile my husband will joke about how i didn't really"birth" her. Although joking, those are the kinds of things that make you feel like a failure sometimes. You tried, but it wasn't good enough. You pushed, but was it hard enough? Did your body fail, or did you give up? My only saving grace was the fact the Dr. had told me it would not have been possible any other way. That is how I look at it, and how I will always view it. I tried, and pushed my body beyond measures it could handle. Enough to get my poor daughter lodged in my pubic bone. Not only had I exceeded the limits, but I had been overzealous. I tried. We plan, God laughs! A vaginal delivery was not in my cards. I can accept that.
Now lets fast forward to the present…errr….well how about 3 1/2 months ago. You know its always interesting when the Drs remember you! haha Turns out my first appt was with the Dr who delivered H. We talked about everything that went on with her delivery, and decided although VBAC was very much an option, I was at a higher risk for the same thing happening again, since I have a pelvis that is narrow and for some reason wouldn't give enough to get a head thru. I have big babies with big heads, and I have already had a c-section. MY choice this time around, is a repeat c-section. I do NOT want to try to defy odds, or be some crazy superhero where I am barely conscious at the birth of my kid. No thanks, I will take enjoying my moments with my daughter being born CONSCIOUSLY not as though it were some hazy fog of a dream.
Today at my 20 week appt- I happened to have the same Dr again. (I see a team so no matter who is on-call, you know your Dr!) We discussed the c-section and what can be different this time around. Let me tell you….I have never been so happy in my life!!! She is willing to bring in a birthing mirror so I can watch the c-section (I know…some of you are feeling grossed out, but when you've seen a deer gutted, or been hunting before, and this is the ONLY way you can see your child be born, you take it!) She will explain everything as it happens. I can have a choice between an oxygen mask or the nose thingy (that is a medical term…ahem..) but I HAVE to wear it until she is born. My hands do NOT have to be restrained and they can undo the top of my medical gown so that once she is cleaned, weighed, evaluated, she can be placed on my chest and I can begin nursing her, even while they are closing me up. No more waiting, no more feeling out of control, no more feeling helpless or cheated. This is my IDEAL birth plan. NOW…It will be scheduled a week before my due date, and as long as she comes THEN, I will be great. The ONLY downside is if she comes early. There are no guarantees that the other OB team remember will agree to what she has agreed to (birthing mirror mostly) everything else would be okay. I know it sounds weird, but I really want to watch it so my husband can take pictures of her once she is out. I have been on cloud nine ALL day, and wanted to tell everyone I know about this amazing news I just received!!!!! It is minuscule in nature, but major to me!
It's funny how women have similar agendas - get pregnant, carry baby uneventfully, have said baby, happily ever after. What is crazy is that, the outline is the same, but the stories are SOOOOOO completely different. To all of you moms out there, whether you had your baby the way you had wanted, or felt cheated. Whether it was happy or traumatic, natural or medicated, vaginal or surgical, babies born crying or sleeping…the fact remains the same... You did everything you could, and it is YOUR story. It was written for you, by you and its unique. Cherish it because in the end, it is a memory worth holding onto- whether its good or bad. Life happens, Spit happens, and shit (yep! i said it) happens, and its up to you, what you choose to do with it all! :) Me? Im trucking along (with the heartburn and sciatic nerve crap to accompany it) but it is all worth it. MAN our bodies are amazing…wouldn't you say?!?!? :)
