My real life Broadway- Pitch? Please!

Well the party has started...hello teething! Some days I wish my life were more like a broadway musical (you have an issue or problem and all of a sudden out of nowhere everyone around you breaks into song and dance and by the end that magical life changing epiphany has arrived changing the plot for the better so they all live happily ever after)Just replace the catchy song about love or life into some vague resemblance of jibberish about, well, nothing except momentary child entertainment. Oh, and substitute the perfectly "dressed-to-the-nine" (whatever that really means) leading lady with perfect hair and make up...with a spit up stained t shirt, a medusa reminiscent pony tail and yesterday's mascara complimenting those lovely circles becoming more apparent under your blood-shot eyes (okay, okay, okay- maybe that's a biiiiiit dramatic, but you should know this about me by now!). Don't get me wrong, I like to pretend that my rendition of twinkle twinkle little star would turn Blake Shelton and Adam Levines chair around :)...oops sorry, I got a bit distracted. A girl can dream, right?!? ;) now where was I?!? ahhhh yes, but really, there should be a broadway musical about parenthood! Funny stuff happens ALL the time. Just the other day I thought to myself (I know, a lot of crazy stuff goes on up there!) "geeez, I'm glad we don't have a nanny cam otherwise my husband might put me on the midnight train to the looney bin." The things we do to keep our kids happy...I sing, dance, gurgle, jump, tickle...and sometimes all together. Granted my moves resemble a ridiculous broken down robot and my songs are made up versions of what we are doing.(I feel as though my best friend Chelsea may be the only one who really understands that is normal for me!) :)I grab my daughters arms and make her dance while singing lord knows what pops into my head. I also like to sit her in my lap when I'm watching whatever singing show is on (The Voice, Glee and The Sing Off are my all-time faves, but I legitimately watch them all!) and sit there acting as though I could do a better job at singing their song...I even get my Mariah Carey fingers going when I get my "runs" on! (Of course she loves this, and it gets better) I then take it a step further, and during commercials I will decide what hypothetical song I would sing and who I would choose if the judges turned around. My lovely daughter hears me sing AT LEAST 10 random songs during a show. Her favorite (I swear I'm not lying) was Cee Lo Green's "Forget You". Not only do I sing, but I make her dance interpretively (yep, mom of the year...right here!) :) she finds it hilarious (I realize at this point I am officially lost, and am waiting for my inner GPS to recalculate my route to get me back on track to where I was originally going with this...I blame Blake and Adam!) oh yeah..broadway. So, life is a lot easier when it takes place on a stage, with people who dress you and do your hair/makeup without you lifting a finger. It's full of music and a plot that almost never ends badly for the main character. Im going to go to New York and pitch my idea...I'll even let them use my blog name as the title (for a small fortune of course- mama needs some new clothes- refer to my earlier blog!) :) teething has led me to bust out my inner crazy,we will have a chat about my public instances in another rant. Right now, my daughter thinks i have the voice that has that X factor and could sing off with glee at any point in time to be an American idol! (BAM- oh yeah that just happened!) she would turn her chair
around, buy a broadway ticket, promote my playbill because let's face it...I AM her idol and even if I have pitch problems or horrendous choreography, in her eyes it's the BEST! I will take looking and sounding ridiculous for that ANY day. For real...Pitch? Please! :)

Lease (with NO option) to own!

So...we all know that "breast feeding is supposed to help you lose weight." I don't know how much of that I buy. I breast feed, my friend pumped and quickly switched to formula because her milk went away--we both lost all of our pregnancy weight and then some (okay okay, that may have been bragging sllllllightly-my bad!) we got lucky- I am very aware. The downside to my boob feeding tubes involve my having to eliminate dairy. Now THAT is why I believe I have lost weight...I can't eat anything fun anymore! No Ice cream or butter or cheese or milk- zeeeeeeero fun! (easy there tiger- it sucks, but its totally worth it.) The upside to my milk jugs- is just that...they're jugs, not sippy cups! ( I know, clever!) I can honestly say I went from maaaaybe on a good day- barely a B to a full D. I look at myself in the mirror and think ahhhh so THIS is what I would look like If I really had boobs! I stand up a little taller, feel comfortable wearing bras without padding- its like I'm a new woman! My husband definitely doesn't mind( minus my "look but don't touch" policy.) i feel like things fit better. I know they say 80% of women don't wear the correct size. It took Harper spitting up inside my nursing bra (yep! Disgustingly true) and the lady I babysit for (works for Wacoal) to make me go get measured. So for the next however many months I am blessed with the ability to nurse- my girls will be relaxing in their Nice comfy new 36D home. They have been upgraded (it's about time- sorry ladies) from the old B of a home. Its kinda like trying to squeeze your post preggo body into your Pre-preggo clothes. You may be able to get it on, but the overflow is gonna look trashier than Here Comes Honey Boo Boo ( dont get me wrong- I watch the show AND enjoy it...don't ask me why though!) :) What it boils down to is I am gonna enjoy these puppies while I got Em! Gotta love the perks (you betcher aunt fanny, pun intended- these girls are staying north!) of nursing. :)

Goodnight. Sleep light!

So as a new mom, I look forward to adult time.(as I tell my husband while I proceed to talk his ear off-- I talk to a 4 mos old all day...momma needs some big girl time!) this will typically happen once she goes to bed. She used to go to bed about 11:30 (I'm a night owl, and a a stay at home mom, so what do I care?) YES I would allow her to be up that late- (any judgmental people can try convincing her 7 is the new 11:30!) now for the last few weeks I've been able to put her to bed earlier, we have our routine. Bath, sing/story, nurse/rock, up to bed and if she's not already asleep, she falls asleep shortly after. DUN DUN DUN *and the plot thickens* She has GOT to be the lightest sleeper ever! Well...to an extent. For instance...she experienced Sunday Funday in full effect today while napping... there was screaming, arguing, cheering and smack talking (louder than a group of 12 year old girls at a Justin Bieber concert) She was not phased OooOooOoone bit! But boy oh boy, the moment someone cracked a beer- her eyes SHOT open. (they quickly closed) so this means 1 of 2 things: 1. My daughter is going to drink like a fish or 2. She's used to loud voices since she's been hearing them plus the TV since she was in the womb. Im hoping for the latter. The other thing that made her stir? The foot rest being put down in a recliner! SMH Gotta love the fact that she could sleep through a tornado, but pop a top and you've made yourself a lap partner until the next milk coma! I typically turn On noise machines, but sometimes you can't control everything (altho I'm DESTINED to prove this theory wrong....and I'm gonna do it! If you don't believe me, just ask me!) ;) OH and who is it who decided that babies should nap 1-2 times at her age from 1-3 hours?!? My child takes power naps. 15 mins here, 30 mins there. She may go to bed at 9pm NOW but still wakes up aaaaaat least 2-3 times to eat. By 6 months- the baby whisperers (I say this bc no one lives this dream- and if you do, you deserve this title!) claims that they should be sleeping 12 hours straight. What? Will my child magically wake up one morning and decide that she needs more beauty rest?!? Those online charts and "I know best" information is enough to drive a new mom maaaaaad! Just because your child doesn't fit their "cookie cutter" age chart, doesn't mean there is anything wrong (every kid is different- and If they weren't: trying to pick your child out of a crowd might be slightly awkward)! So whatever you do- even if you are sleep deprived and in desperate need of a permanent coffee IV...please don't Google things! Your child is not having night terrors (I doubt labor was THAT traumatic), they do not have any sort of disease or condition that causes sleeplessness and more than likely, it's just a phase! As a mom it's our job to worry, but know more times than not...they will be OK! :) If not, just sleep with one eye open at all times-new moms kinda live like zombies (minus the whole addicted to bath salts and eat someone's face thing) we like bath salts in our hot water after a long day and when we say "your cheeks are so cute, I just wanna eat you up"yeah... Totally not the bath salts talking, and we don't mean literally eat them up. Okay, kinda got off topic there but I know you're still with me (and probably thinking..."yeah...I guess she's right, sleeping...eating faces...uhhhhh") this brings me to my last and final point- its hard to understand how hard it is to be needed 24/7. It's almost like you never really fall asleep- so those 3-4 hours of straight uninterrupted sleep you got, feel more like 2- cuz at any point in time, your child could make a sound. If they do, I would be willing to put money (and I DO NOT bet!) you would wake up in a split second, fumble for your superwoman cape and use your go-go gadget arms to take care of business! As a matter of fact, I'm totally there- until next time-goodnight and sleep light (yeah yeah yeah- I don't even need to say it--it's like you know me already) ;)

The Thunder Down Under

Everybody knows their child (or we like to think we have googled their instruction manual and bookmarked it for future references) the fact is- sometimes, you just have to expect the unexpected. I've come to realize a few things over the last few days... My first realization: there IS a downside to the oh-so-wonderful nursing cover (or hooter hider, apron, blanket with a neck strap...or whatever you call it) they are great and come in super handy. Back in the day moms were shunned to rooms by them self or bathrooms for however long it took to feed their child. Now, you have this glorious cover that allows you to not be alienated for what seems like an eternity. (we all love our little ones, but when ya spend all day with them, and they eat every 3-4 hours, you NEED all the adult interaction you can get!) now with the cover, you can feed your child practically anywhere. I have found a few downsides to them...3 things make it awkward. 1. When it's time to switch sides and they need to burp in between. You're left with trying to fumble with your nursing bra clasp, pulling up your shirt, while trying to stay covered (all one handed while racing to grab the burp cloth, because if you're not fast enough, you will be wearing your babies lunch!) Now, practice makes perfect...it's becomes easier the more you do it, but then the curve balls start coming! This brings me to my next point. 2. Now that you have the one handed juggling act down, your child has discovered his/her hands. While they are feeding, they take the liberty of running their hands over every single inch that is within their reach- guess what this includes?!? Yep! Your nursing cover... Now you're trying to play defense against your CHILD exposing you (yes peek-a-boo is cute, but I'm preeeeeeetty sure the world doesn't need to see what mama's workin' with!) It's like trying to wrestle a mini ninja whose mission is to expose you by any means necessary. One of which is my last point. 3. GAS! You know, those cute little "toots" that make us smile because our babies are adorable?!? Yeeeeah. I can honestly say until recently, I've never been "Dutch ovened" or anything vaguely resembling it. Think about it...you have a cover, that has a gap up top in order to see your child. My daughter has the woooorst gas ever..( "oh myyyy gosh! Was that her?!?"..."YEP!"). I swear she is her father's child (Ladies don't do that! ;) ) ......and how is it something SO cute and only drinks milk can produce something SO horrendous?!? I mean...that crap can clear a room (yeeeeah, couldn't help myself- pun definitely intended) :) the worst part is when you are nursing, that wafts right up thru that gap and it's like your child waits until this point just to laugh at your expense...you think they're smiling because they have gas- fact! But wait...there's more! Thats only a half-truth. They're really smiling because they have gas, it's gonna smell like big foot ate a rotten trash can and pooped it out, and not only can they get away with it...but people actually think its cute! Heck, I'd smile too! Next time I need to pass gas, I'm just gonna blame it on my kid! Why not? No bellyache, and it's WAY less embarrassing! :) ha! Okay, okay, okay. Maaaaybe not...but you know that thought has crossed your mind (I can totally see that smile!) maybe passing gas should be more acceptable in public. It's loud, can be dangerous (this one applies to men and their shart comings...haha, sorry, couldn't help myself again) and people are scared (well of the repercussions of getting caught) Just like spit, shi...err toots happen! :)*GASp* it's gonna happen inside a nursing cover or not. As long as its not strong enough to blow off the nursing cover to expose-a zee boo-bee I believe that is all and no #4 is necessary! Until then (hopefully not) enjoy life's little blessings! (I'm talking about your kid, not gas- get that crap outta your head--MAN, it's too easy... this post is just too punny I can't contain myself!) :)

All the early bird gets...is sleep deprivation!

We all remember those Pre-kids/responsibility/obligation days...you know, the ones where you can stay up until 2am, go to sleep with your makeup on, then get up 5 hours later, drink a redbull and do it all over again?(looking like a million bucks, because 2 hours on hair and makeup is totally necessary!) Now, I stay up until12:30, wake up at 6, roll outta bed with spit up, behead, bags under my eyes and the patience of a two year old! If you were a fly on my wall, I might be mistaken for a zombie (minus the bath salt addiction and face eating of course). Getting older is hard! I don't have the time to spend doing my hair and makeup the way I used to... And even if i dress up, thats when they get you good with the spit up (or if you've done your hair and its down/in the line if fire...it's inevitable)! It's even harder when you have friends who don't understand what it's like to have to Go-go-go all the time, and how your priority now does not exist in the bottom of a shiny metal can with blue mountains, but in the smiley face looking up at you. (and I'm not talking about anyone in particular, I'm just watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager) I have NO idea how mothers to young children can go party all the time, or have SO much energy (and I'm sure you are thinking of certain people right now...it's okay, there's no judgement here.) :) heck, I made it to12:45 and was looking for my trophy on the back of my eyelids (yes, that was indeed a cheesy reference to dozing off). What happened is this...about the time responsibility entered stage left, partying exited stage right. I don't feel the need to drink to get naked wasted face, or get belligerently drunk..why?!? Because when it's all said and done, that adorable little face you've come to know and love that just melts your heart a million degrees into Sunday- will not only be needing you, but you can bet your bottom dollar that is the day they will wake up earlier than they normally do, be crankier than they've ever been, or talk louder than they've ever talked! With this said- I'm operating on 5 hours of sleep due to"attempting" to play beer pong and "a-hole" with a group of friends last night. I was never drunk, or even buzzing. Let's just say I spent more time with my fellow new mommy, Tori and our little girls playing slumber party (they obviously did not get the memo you sleep at the same time at them) than playing with our friends and husbands. The best realization?!?! You can be a mommy WITH party pants. They just might be a little bigger and a helluva lot more flexible....cuz spit happens!!! ;)

Not So Fast Food!

After a loooooooooooooooooo*breath*oooooooooooooooong day :), you know...the one full of non-stop working, entertaining, cooking, cleaning, laundry, singing, bouncing, dancing backwards in high heels while juggling a million things (one of which is a baby) you don't have enough fingers or toes..let alone arms and legs to accomplish everything life throws at you.(yes I know,longest.sentence.ever.) After the go-go-go you just want to sit down and enjoy a hot meal.(if you are like me, this means cook it, clean the kitchen, help get your husband And child situated, then back to the kitchen to make a plate) I can already see that smirk, so scratch the hot and replace it with maybe sorta kinda still warm. You nuke your food (don't worry, it's gonna get fun here in a sec) go sit down and BAM! It's like your child is Haley Joel Osmond (yes, I'm referring to that kid who sees dead people in 6th sense) and KNOWS you have food, so they start to fuss, but not just any fuss...like a loud thunderstorm meets running over the family dog and bubble guppies was cancelled, plus she feels like she may have found the bubble guppies living inside her intestines and WANTS THEM OUT....kinda crying (sorry, lil intense I know)...So you set your stuff down and soothe her. By the time she is calm, you go nuke your now sub zero food yet again...guess what?!? Ding ding ding- round two! Lather, rinse, repeat! Here we go again. (I could keep going, but I imagine you get the point!) :)How do they know?!?! It's crazy!! All I want to do is enjoy dinner with my husband while it's hot. Is that too much to ask?!? Bottom line is this: your clothes don't fit, you lose all your hair (or it sure feels like it) and cold becomes the new hot. Whats next?!?(wait a sec...pretend I didn't just ask that!) Besides, who invented this hot and cold business...and why did they decide hot food needed to exist?!? Okay okay, maybe thats a bit extreme but It makes things more difficult (I [used to] love my food piping hot) now I enjoy it cold or re-re-re-reheated (and no, I do not stutter :) ) Here's my solution: Someone needs to create a microwave that reheats food without losing moisture or overcooking it. Then Moms everywhere could enjoy a long overdue HOT meal! First one to create one gets a sticker or a cookie (I just might even re-re-re-reheat it for ya! ;) ) Just food for thought. (yeeeep, couldn't help myself...pun intended!) :)

The Hairy Aftermath of Pregnancy

When you first find out you're pregnant, you look forward to a few things: that "glow" that everyone always talks about, the ability to eat what you want (not eating for two, but you don't feel guilty when you decide to go back for seconds :)) the absence of that pesky friend we are so used seeing once a month(yeah, enjoy your temporary vacation Flo- your services are temporarily suspended) and the fact your hair will grow and look amazing(long, strong, shiny- if only we could hire someone to walk in front of us with a fan- it looks THAT good)! Boy did I NOT miss the hair all over my floor and in my drain. I went from washing my hair twice a week to only once!(no, I'm not a hippie tree hugger extremist who refuses to shower- I just don't need to wash it that often! I know I know- cue jealousy)
The fact of the matter is, after pregnancy, you are gonna lose all that hair, that hung on for dear life, faster than you can say supercalafradulisticexpialadocious . (yeeeeah, that word it MUCH easier to attempt to say than attempt to spell- and I use the term attempt loosely...that's a hard word and I didn't feel like googling it!)
When I brush my hair- it looks like I am a giant hair murderer with the victims lying all over the floor. The worst part is I find my hair all over my little girl (neck, hands, toes, etc)- and she's shedding as bad as I am! We are a HOT MESS!!!! I keep thinking I'm going to go bald, and the picture I have here is JUST from when I showered this morning and washed my hair...if Barbies needed wigs- I'm pretty sure I could supply them on a regular basis. They say duct tape fixes everything....and to rub a little tussin on it. At this stage in the game, I don't know that I'm ruling anything out. The other thing that worries Me is this: I like to think each hair has 9 lives. Once it's fallen out so many times, the color goes on strike and therefore grows in grey. What if this is the 9th life fir those hairs and all of this hair comes in grey?!?! Ahhhhhh!!! I have enough as is and don't need any help thank-you-very-much! I might need to invest in nice and easy stock at this rate!
The bottom line is this: whatever disappears during pregnancy, rears it's ugly head and then some once it's done. So embrace your lovely locks,while those hormones are still in full force...and if I need a hair transplant, I'll make sure to let you know where to send the donations. (Of money, not hair- that'd be a little weird, and creepy.) Have a hairy great (yep I just went there...you know how I roll) and happy day, full of great hair! (I'll keep my fingers crossed I keep my hair in my head-well have a good talk, Ill lay down the law and work things out) I'm over this hairy situation (and typing) !!! :) Now where's the duct tape and tussin?!? :)